Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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