Well douche your snatch and let's go!
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
