I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize