i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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