4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
