I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
