Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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