Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
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