I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
