Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
