I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
