I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
