They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize