Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
