Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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