i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
