So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
