I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
