i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
