Just fell off a train. Bad.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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