dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
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