So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
