I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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