Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
