Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
