do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
