I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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