im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
