please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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