I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
