Hey man sorry I got all grabby
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
