all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
