I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
