sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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