I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
