I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
