Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I am available for nakedness
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
