I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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