How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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