If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I know her cup size but not her name....
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
