I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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