you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
