i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
