I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
