it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
