Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
