I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
