How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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