I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
