Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
