that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
