Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
