1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
