I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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