I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
only you would photoshop your dick
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
