im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
