When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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