Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
